Wednesday, June 1, 2016

When God doesn't feel good.

I was recently asked to speak about our journey with Cash at a small women's event. The week before, I told my husband that I didn't think I was in a place that I could do it. My beautiful, precious, soul-inspiring Aunt had just passed and we just weren't ready to let her go. I'm not sure if we will ever be. I was suffering from crippling anxiety attacks that often came when I least expected. My family was experiencing deep sorrow. I was in a season where I was struggling with moe anger as to why my child has to struggle. God didn't feel "good" to me. I was angry at Him and I just didn't see how I could speak to a group of women about His faithfulness when I didn't feel like He was faithful. 

I wish I could tell you that I don't doubt. That my faith could move mountains and that I always believed that God loved me. God spoke to me long ago when we first learned of Cash's diagnosis that He needed me to be real. That the ugliness of my humanity, the deep sin in my soul, would allow others to see His light through me. So, once again, here we are.   I believe many times we waste so much time ignoring our dark parts. We fake it til we make it so that others don't see. As a result, we allow that sin to fester within and it grows bigger and bigger until it explodes. When all along, the Lord was asking us to just deal with it and move on. 

I told Warren how I just couldn't speak. I was too angry. Too broken. Too faithless. He said, "maybe you should anyway." "I would have so much more respect for a pastor if they spoke about how they were struggling." I hate when he's right and I have to admit it. But, so often, the Lord uses his softness to speak to my heart when I need it the most. I knew this was one of those time. As I spoke at the event, the Lord used it to bring healing to my heart. And to remind other women that they weren't alone. 

But what do I do when God still doesn't feel good again? When His plan seems unfair? When someone who claims to follow Christ has wounded you so deep that you can't bear to call Him good?

You wait. You remember that our emotions are full of worldly impulses that often blind our eyes and paralyze our hearts. And then, you wait. You wait for Him to remind you. Remind you through a toddler giggle. The soft breaths of a sleeping baby. The hugs from those you love that wrap around your soul and bring healing to your heavy heart. Deep conversations with others that leave you feeling full again. Clarity found in a silent moment. You wait for Him to use simple things to remind you that He is good. That He is fighting for your soul even when your emotions suffocate you. That there is so much that we can't see and can't understand until eternity becomes our home. 

I wait. And after my emotions have softened and the anger has faded, I can remember that He is good. I deal with the sin and fight against it. I won't let it overcome me. 

For Erin. 

For my Aunt Deb. 


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