Monday, July 27, 2015

Nothing worth it was ever easy.

It's 2:37 am. I'm bombarded in the silence of the night all of the emotions I try to keep locked away in the day. I can hear the cautious suck of my four month old on a late night bottle, who I just pulled from his bed as his faint, tired cries began. He's wearing batman pajamas, the same ones Parker wore at his age, when times were a little simpler, and he has somehow wiggled out just his toes  from the mess of buttons, making it difficult for me to put them back in easily. I just recently mustered the courage to start letting him sleep his crib but somehow, the stillness of the night and my thoughts leave me with less than enough to put him back. It's times like these that God forces me to come face to face with my state of mind and where I stand with Him. I'd rather pretend, though. During the day, when needed, I can pull the emotional shades of my heart and focus on really anything but the things I need to. I obsess over trivial things so that I don't have to focus on the things I'm truly afraid of. And there are many, many days that those shades can remain open because I'm feeling positive, thankful, and trusting of God. The days when I'm "on that mountaintop," as my Dad always says. But, in the midst of it all, those days when the shades are closed can do so much damage that it washes away all the hard work on those good days. And, I have to clean up the mess and start again. This summer has been the hardest yet most beautiful of my life. My precious friend passed away, leaving her two sweet boys without a momma and her family with a broken heart. Learning and still coming to terms with how different our life is with sweet baby brother and leaning how to alter our marriage and our relationship with Parker to fit this new normal. All the while, being overcome by such a deeper love. You think from this emotional marathon I've been on that I would have lost all this baby weight by now. :) Dream on, Brooke. 

The last several nights I've had the most vivid dreams. I've always been a dreamer and many times, they are off the wall craziness where I'm having to kick off snakes in a cave like an Indiana Jones movie I watched as a kid. Or, those back to school jitters that Warren loves to tell everyone about where I'm teaching math in my sleep or telling imaginary kids they need to pay attention. All dreams I've literally had recently if you can truly get a handle on my nerdiness. But, then, there's those dreams that bring to light all the emotions I'm constantly pulling the shades on and I know they are a true testament to my frailty and fear and all the ways I don't allow myself to trust God. Two nights ago, I dreamt that a horrible tornado came where I had to terrifyingly grab my children to safety until it passed. When it did, I came outside to immediately find my husband, knowing that would be the first thing he'd do was look for us after it was over. In the dream, I kept looking and looking but couldn't find him. I'd even find myself pulled from the dream in my subconscious only to try to go back in so that I could try to find him again. In the dream, I was hysterical not being able to find him but I never could and I knew that something terrible had happened. Then, there was last nights dream where I had to take Parker to the hospital because something was wrong with his skin. In the dream, the doctor told me he wouldn't make it because his skin had that flesh eating bacteria and it had done too much damage. I know, yall. Intense is an understatement. 

Really, these dreams are actual representations of my fear of losing control of the things in my life that I love the most. The fact that Warren is such a rock for my soul that it scares me to imagine my life without him. The fact that I can protect my children from many dangers of this world but that, there are truly, many things that I just can't protect them from. Many things since Cash feel much more vulnerable. I always knew things could happen, things I couldn't help or control. But, now, all those things are constantly in the forefront of my mind day in and day out and it is so hard for me to trust God. It feels almost impossible at times. As I look at my littlest love tonight. Feel his steady breath in his sleep, watch his perfect lips twitch, and feel his exposed toes wiggle, I'm fearing the future. I'm fearing the real threat that this precious soul could have to battle leukemia someday. After all the miracles God has brought in his short life, as far as He has taken our family, and It's still like I have to fight a battle to force myself to trust Him. In the stillness of the night, in the back of my heart, I can hear the Lord whisper, "Do you believe that I love him?" I'm having to fight the tears because, even though I can't seem to trust Him, even though I ignorantly doubt His love for me, I know with all my heart that he loves Cash. And then, He does it again. Playing games with my heart because I'm so ridiculously stubborn that we can never do it the easy way. "If you know I love him, I will take care of him. And if I love Cash, I must love you too."
Though it's unsettling for me to make myself trust God, to unwillingly relinquish that desire to control and keep tight the most important people in my life, I have to. I don't want to but the weight of trying to keep my life steady on my own is suffocating. Because I'm just too weak, too weary to carry all this much longer. 

God put it on my heart at the beginning of this journey with our tiny son to be breathtakingly honest with the world. Especially regarding my constantly changing relationship with Him because He desires our honesty in such a deeper way than I've ever realized. That's the only real way He can heal us is if we honestly open ourselves to Him. It hurts sometimes, many times, and one of the hardest things I do in my life on a daily basis. But, at the end of this, I know, without a single doubt that my relationship with God will be as real to me as this baby I'm holding. And it'll be big. The getting there is the hard part. But it's worth it. Nothing worth it was ever easy. 

I promise I'm not always this incredibly intense, although my Hubby might disagree. :) But I only write when God calls and many times, it's when I'm having to learn something. I can only hope this journey can touch one person and bring just one person to the realness of Jesus. 

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for your vulnerability and beautiful words, Brooke :) I love you and am so honored to have you in my life. God is so refining you and Warren, and your honesty is what the world needs to see and hear. Thank you :)